Rodney Recommends...

Rodney Recommends... Ridiculous Photos

2006-06-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Rodney Recommends... Eddie Lewis

2006-05-06T06:38:00.000-07:00

What's up, Rodney? I thought you were long gone. "Well I am a busy miniature man nowadays, so I don't recommends as much, but when it is deserved I will still be recommending stuff."

Eddie Lewis today then? "Yeah. Did you see his wondergoal last night?" I did Rodney, it was sublime. I liked the way Graham Alexander scrambled but couldn't reach it. "There's just no stopping a Lewbanger free-kick."

Lewbanger is a great nickname. "He likes it himself. I was having a chat with him after the game and he loved being called it. I even presenting him with the picture that is on this page, above right." What did he say to it? "'Oh God,' and then he chuckled."

Sum up then, Rod. "Lewbanger, you little legend."

Rodney Recommends... The Music - Welcome To The North

2006-03-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

"Class album, give it a listen." Is it a new album? "No, been out years." Fair enough.

Rodney Recommends... Freddie Mercury Playing Premiership Football

2006-03-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

Freddie Mercury plays Premiership football? "Yes. He plays up front for Manchester City and even scored two goals yesterday." He sounds good. "Well, he should score plenty of goals, but he'll miss his fair share too. But, you won't hear me knocking him, purely for being Freddie Mercury playing football."

Rodney Recommends... Ignoring People With Charisma

2006-03-02T17:20:00.000-08:00

"People with charisma will generally be hiding their own acceptance that life is actually rather dull 97% of the time." When does the 3% occur? "Well I am only guessing here, but I would imagine that 2% of it is on occasions like meeting a beautiful girl who loves you back, getting married, having a child... all those types of things. The 1% of sheer joy I can vouch for though, is when you see either Kenan or Kel in a show that you didn't even know they were in. When that happens, it is sheer ecstasy." Lol (I don't use the term 'lol' very often, so I am amused.)Yes, it is class when that happens.

May I make a rare recommendation, Rodney? "Go on then." Well, whilst searching for a picture to represent charisma, I have found a woman called Charisma Carpenter. I recommend looking her up. "Good work. You might have to get into my line of work some time."

"May I just finish by saying that I don't like miserable people either. I like people with comic outlooks." Thanks. Is that why you like me then? "No, I like you because you do my typing for me." Little scamp.

Rodney Recommends... The Telly

2006-03-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

Television is class. "It bloody is." Don't think you will find much argument. "Well, that's just it! I have heard television take quite a battering of late and it chuffing annoys the hell out of me." Mmm.

"So, I am recommending the telly. Just think of the brilliant shows that have been produced over the years." Pugwall's Summer for one. "Yeah. Also, Saved By The Bell, The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, Neighbours, Coronation Street, Kenan and Kel, Degrassi Junior High, Match Of The Day, Soccer Night Extra, Bo Selecta, Only Fools and Horses, Calendar, Look North, Emmerdale Farm, Emmerdale, Newsround, Get Your Own Back, California Dreams, My New Best Friend, Kojak, Rising Damp." The list is endless. "Exactly! And people have the cheek to criticise it! Ooo, it makes me mad."

I think the point people try to make is that your brain isn't being used whilst watching television. "A point I take on board, of course and it probably is true. I don't use my mind much when I'm watching Chucklevision or Deal or No Deal, for instance, but it is bloody enjoyable, I tells ya. Also, I don't mind people who feel the need to have a go at TV if they are culture vultures themselves. But often, people slag it off, when they spend their spare time drinking frightfully unhealthy amounts of beer or reading stories about celebrities."

We'll leave it there.

Rodney Recommends... Too Cool For School Member #1 - Roger Federer

2006-02-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today we bring to you a new feature of this ever-evolving site. Care to explain it, your Rodship? "Indeed I will. Whenever I see someone who I regard to be 'too cool for school' I will add them to the 'Too Cool For School' catalogue, as well as giving you, my ever-faithful readers, a bit of an explanation."

OK then, introduce the inaugural member to us. "The first member is Roger Federer, tennis superstar. He is the current world number 1 and is so good at the game, he could end up there for the remainder of his career. This on it's own though would not be make him necessarily too cool for school. What makes him so, is the fact that you very rarely seeing him making forced fist-pumping actions or generally acting like a hyperactive spoilt teenager.

On top of this he has an array of strokes that make, what can often be a very dull sport, seem like ballet with a tennis racquet incorporated. He also has the hair of a rock star.

Roger Federer, you are Too Cool For School."

Rodney Recommends... Barcelona Brightening Their Away Kit Up

2006-02-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

"I don't know how they can make one another out."

Rodney Recommends... Lionel Messi

2006-02-22T14:31:00.000-08:00

Haven't you recommended him already? "I'm not sure, have I?" I am not sure either. We lose track of things don't we Rodney? "I'll recommend him anyway, saves looking through the archive." OK.

What is good about this chap then? "He is the new Maradona. He's class. He is an inspiration to everyone. He has got past the stigma of being named Lionel and gone on to be a legend in the making."

Will he be better than Ronaldinho, do you reckon? "I'm not sure, he is better at taking men on, but Ronaldinho is good for the ludicrous factor."

Will he be better than Robbie Blake? "Don't be daft." Of course he won't.

Rodney Recommends... The Dutch

2006-02-21T15:53:00.000-08:00

"Set of bicycle-riding, serious-faced, hilarious-voiced follies."

Rodney Recommends... Father Ted

2006-02-20T17:51:00.000-08:00

I thought you did not like that? "I was wrong. I have recently watched it properly for the first time, and I must admit, even Rodney Wallace makes mistakes. Father Ted is a great show."

Do you have a favourite episode? "Probably when Father Ted boots Bishop Brennan up the arse." Legendary.

Rodney Recommends... The Resurrection Of Lee Bowyer

2006-02-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

"Come on Lee, if Harry Kewell can do it, you can!" A rallying call from Rodney there. "Well, it needed saying."

On the subject of Kewell and Bowyer, do you remember that documentary about kiss-and-tell stories in the world of football, a few years back? "Oh aye bud, I do actually. It was hilarious. Slags approached Bowyer and Kewell in Majestyk. Kewell vaguely acknowledged that someone had attempted to talk to him. Bowyer went home with them, and most probably kissed them." Quite.

Rodney Recommends... Jermaine Jenas For Sunderland Fans

2006-02-12T07:35:00.000-08:00

"The Tottenham Hotspurs superstar has just played a blinder." Really? Doesn't sound like him. "He did play a blinder... for Sunderland." Oh right, you cheeky sidekick.

Rodney Recommends... Soccer Night Extra

2006-02-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

"The best show on TV, bar none." Load O' Balls. "It is, turdbrain." No, Rodney my friend, you misunderstand me. What I am saying is that 'Load O' Balls is a quality part of a quality show. "Oh yeah, my fault bud. It is a good part of the show."

What else do you like about it? "Everything. I can just sit down on a Thursday night at 11 O' Clock with a Pepperami in one hand and a cup of Ovaltine in the other, and then have a laughable half an hour in front of the TV."

Peter Beagrie's funny isn't he? "Aye captain. He's hilarious. I'm not one to hero worship, as you know cockhead, but 'Beags' is someone that warrants my utmost respect."

What about Townsend? "He's hilarious also. He's bounces well off Peter."

Are you going to be watching tomorrow then Rodders? "Obviously. I'll settle down around 10:30PM, watch the end of the local news, watch Dimbleby for 25 minutes, then flick over to ITV at 11PM to find it's running behind schedule as usual, then I will flick between ITV and Dimbleby for 5 minutes before Soccer Night Extra appears on my screen." Thanks for that little insight to your life, young man.

In the words of my hero, take care of yourselves.

Rodney Recommends... Samuel Eto'o

2006-02-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

"African Nations Cup Quarter Final between Ivory Coast and Cameroon goes to a penalty shoot-out. All 11 players on either side score for the first time in football history, then the world's best striker Samuel Eto'o goes and misses his second one. What a plonker." He won't have meant to miss. "I know, and as a fellow miniature striker I feel for him, but you've got to laugh haven't you?" I suppose you do Rodney.

Rodney Recommends... Daniela Hantuchova

2006-02-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

"I think she's right pretty."

Rodney Recommends... A New Game Show

2006-02-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

What is this new game show?

"Steve Backley comes out of retirement and stands for 55 minutes with javelin in hand.

"Viewers ring in and vote for which game show host they hate the most.

"Text A followed by the word "Twat" for Chris Tarrant. Text B followed by the word "Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase" for Noel Edmonds. Or Text C followed by "Fat Smug Git" for Eamoon Holmes.

"After 55 minutes the game show host with the most votes is revealed. Steve Backley shoves his javelin up the winner's arse.

"It will be a 3-part series. The two losers from the first show come back for the 2nd show and the loser from the 2nd show comes back for the 3rd show."

Rodney Recommends... Morten Gamst Pedersen

2006-02-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

Where have you been? "On holiday, buddy. Trinidad and Tobago, remember?" Yes, but you have been longer than anticipated. "Get off my case, man."

Anyway, I see you have finally got round to recommending the early contender for Player Of The Century, Morten Gamst Pedersen. "I think he's magnificent."

"If Leeds start signing good players again, my list of players I would want them to sign would be headed by Morten Gamst and his quality haircut." Who else would be on the list? "Brian Deane and Peter Beagrie. Cheers then."

Rodney Recommends... A Holiday

2006-01-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

"I'm off on holiday?" Can I come? "No."

How long are you going for? "10 days to a fortnight."

Where are you going? "I'm off to do a bit of research on my family tree in Trinidad and Tobago." Will you bring me back some rum? "OK."

You won't forget to return to your blog after this break will you? "No. I just need a bit of a rest." OK, see you in a couple of weeks then.

Rodney Recommends... Ryan Reynolds Has A Think To Himself

2006-01-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

Breaking News? "Yes! I have just learned Ryan is engaged to Alanis Morrissette." Congratulations (firstly to Ryan and Alanis on their engagement and secondly to Rodney for displaying good research skills.)

But what has he to have a think to himself about? "Well if he is so famous that he can pull Alanis Morrissette - which quite frankly I don't think he is, so questions have to be asked of Alanis also - then why doesn't he get himself a nice piece like that Tara Reid chick he played alongside in Van Wilder, or that sexy artist woman who ordered pizzas in 2 Guys and A Girl?" He might love Alanis. "I never thought I'd see the day that I would quote Tina Turner, but "What's love got to do, got to do with it?" Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken?

"Put up some pictures of alternative slimmies for 'Berg' to choose from. Tara Reid and a few more please."

Rodney Recommends... Rodney Of The Week - Ryan Rodney Reynolds

2006-01-06T18:35:00.000-08:00

Weren't you meant to do this yesterday? "Yes, but I couldn't be arsed." Typical. "I'm doing it now anyway. And this is going to be the last one, so Ryan can keep the award."

Explain your choice. "Well he gets this award primarily for his role in the excellent American sitcom '2 Guys and A Girl.' In fact, this award belongs to Michael Bergan really, but as I have said before I am running out of Rodneys."

Go on. "I haven't got much to say on the matter really. You would just have to watch '2 Guys and A Girl' and you'll see his hilarious ways." OK, I will.

"Might I further recommend that you watch the first series of the show, when it was called '2Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place'? The character who owns the Pizza Place is legendary." Who's that? "You'll have to watch it or research it yourself. I'm off to see what else I can recommend, cos I've lacked inspiration lately."

Ryan Rodney Reynolds - Rodney Wallace salutes you. The award is yours to keep.

Rodney Recommends... Ronald Koeman

2006-01-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

"He's taken a chance on Laurent Robert. Fair play to him."

Rodney Recommends... Keeping Fit

2006-01-03T17:50:00.000-08:00

"I did my first bit of exercise for two weeks today and I'm in considerable pain." That's funny! So did I and so am I.

Rodney Recommends... Rodney Of The Week - Rodney Dangerfield

2005-12-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

Who? "I don't know, but the writer of Weird Is Wonderful appreciates him and quite frankly I'm running out of Rodneys suitable for the award already."

Rodney Dangerfield - Rodney Wallace salutes you.

Rodney Recommends... Random Birds

2005-12-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

Biggest mistake I made, buying you those binoculars last Christmas. What have I told you about using them to look at women? "Don't make me chin you."

Come on then. Out with the real story. "I've seen a few hoochies of late that have taken my fancy." Who? "First, I saw an Asian chick working at my snooker club. I liked her. She had a nice smile." OK, who else? "A woman who served me in the Post Office today. She had one of those defined faces, like models tend to have." Must have been a bonus in the Post Office. "Aye, better than the usual grumpy service."

Seen anymore of these so-called 'hoochies' that you've taken a shine to? "I have indeed. Oddbins in Leeds. I bought a bottle of brandy and was served by a lass with massive breasts. I loved it."

"Thankfully they each liked me enough to supply me with a picture of themselves for the blog."

Rodney Recommends... Rodney Of The Week - Rodney Trotter

2005-12-22T08:45:00.000-08:00

"Probably the Rodney of all Rodney's is Rodney." What? "Rodney Trotter is probably the Rodney of all Rodney's." He's a fictional character. "Aren't we all?"

What's so great about Rodney Trotter then? "He's a bit of a plonker isn't he?" Derek certainly thinks so.

Only Fools and Horses is without doubt a tremendous sitcom and Rodney is a key cog in the show's proverbial wheel. Say one of Rodney's favourite quotes for the readers, Rodney. "Cosmic." Cosmic indeed.

Rodney Trotter - Rodney Wallace salutes you.

Rodney Recommends... Bernard Yeboah

2005-12-21T18:53:00.000-08:00

"I recommend Bernard Yeboah, member of Team GB athletics squad at the 2003 European Youth Olympic Festival. If anyone has any information on his career since 2003, please write in."

Rodney Recommends... Christmas

2005-12-20T14:23:00.000-08:00

"I love Christmas me. Bit of turkey, pants & socks, photocopying my arse at the office Christmas party and a new Only Fools and Horses christmas special." There is no new Only Fools and Horses this year. "What? Are you kidding?" No. "Well, bloody hell."

Rodney Recommends... Richard Ashcroft

2005-12-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

Haven't you just recommended him? "Well I did, but then the computer crashed, so our work never got published." Oh right. We're not going to have to go through the whole rigmarole again are we then? "I'll do a shortened down version."

Fire away. "Went to see him last night. He was excellent. Hopefully he'll get massive again. Coldplay should support him and not the other way round." Agree on all points. Well done.

Rodney Recommends... Rodney Of The Week - Rodney Blackstock

2005-12-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

A new feature, Rod? "Yes." Elaborate, if you will. "Each Thursday, I will recommend a 'Rodney Of The Week.'

This week's 'Rodney Of The Week' is Rodney Blackstock then? "Nice work Sherlock."

Explain the choice and we'll call it a night. "Not much to explain really. I saw a bit of Emmerdale Farm earlier and saw Rodney Blackstock. I thought I would have a 'Rodney Of The Week' feature. The rest, as they say, is history."

Rodney Blackstock - Rodney Wallace salutes you.

Rodney Recommends... Jermaine Jenas Becoming A Gareth Gates Impersonator (And Vice Versa)

2005-12-13T18:34:00.000-08:00

Good Call. "It's not bad is it?" Not bad at all young 'un.

What does Gareth Gates do nowadays anyway? "Plays central midfield for Tottenham Hotspurs." No that's Jenas. "Oh yeah. My bad."

"Don't know what Gatesy does now then. He'll have plenty of brass anyway." Yeah, he'll have made a bit out of Pop Idol. "No, I mean cos of his Dad being the founder of Microsoft." Oh yes. My bad Rodney, my bad.

Rodney Recommends... Some New Birds In Neighbours

2005-12-12T15:33:00.000-08:00

You're not going to be sexist are you, youngster? "I might be. I don't know. One thing I will not do though is back down for the PC crew." OK, fire away.

"Well, you like Neighbours as much as I do don't ya?" I wouldn't miss our 1:45pm get togethers for the world, Rod. "Well, I'm not happy with the quality of females in the soap at present at all." You won't find much disagreement.

"Admittedly, Paul's daughter has the potential, but how long is she gonna be in Ramsay Street? Izzy was also a beauty when she first entered the show, but has slid downhill faster than Madonna. Sky is annoying, as is that Irishman's broad." It's not all about looks you know, Rodney. "Don't talk rubbish. What else do I want from Neighbours characters?" Fair point.

So, what do you suggest? "Well Annalise could come back and get back together with Lou for a start. Then they would have to put Holly Valance back in without a shadow of a doubt. I would love to kiss her. Then, I'm sure they could find a few more blondes to play relatives of Toady. They would have to get hilarious names, like Goldfish or Jellyfish, to be his relations though." It can't be long before he is writing a soap of his own.

"Please write in with fit lasses who you would like to see in Neighbours."

Rodney Recommends... Jason Manford

2005-12-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

I do not know who this guy is. "Jason Manford is a comedian I went to see last week. He was funny." Comedians tend to be.

"Yes, well this one was particularly humorous." Tell us a joke then. "Well, it's hard to pick a joke, but what would you do if you won the lottery?" Probably question the system saying as I don't buy a ticket. "Well if I was to win the lottery, I would buy all the tickets for a Simply Red concert, and go sit in the third row like a crazed stalker and really freak Mick Hucknall out."

"That was a snippet of Manford's material." It was like I was there.

Anything else to say? "Yes, go see as much stand-up comedy as you can. You only live once. I particularly recommend going to The Library pub on a Thursday evening. Get there early for an 8 o clock kick-off and you'll get a nifty comfy seat."

Rodney Recommends... The Pen Shop

2005-12-11T18:25:00.000-08:00

The Pen Shop? What's the zany little chap on about now? "I went to my local Central Business District the other day. I wanted to buy a pen as a gift for a loved one. I went in a jewellers and said, 'do you sell pens?' The polite shop assistant explained, 'no, we don't sell pens unfortunately. I tell you where is best for pens though.'

"'Where?' I said. 'The Pen Shop,' he replied. I thought, 'you can't just make shops up,' but he was correct. A 'The Pen Shop' did exist."

Quite an anecdote, but why have you recommended it? "Well, what I am recommending here geezer, is that every product or service should have it's own individual shop." It would never work.

"I just think it would be an easier life where, for instance, when my piles flairs up I could just go to 'The Piles Cream Shop.' Maybe it would Rodney, maybe it would.

Rodney Recommends... Muhammad Ali

2005-12-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

"I am the greatest." I beg to differ. "Knowing me Rodney Wallace, sacking you whatever your name is. Don't you remember you're sacked?" I decided to come back, because one of the two readers of the blog requested it. "OK, I have to listen to my fans."

So, what you recommending fella? "Muhammad Ali." Formerly Cassius Clay? "That's the bloke."

It seems an obvious choice, but explain your reasons wee man. "I've just read his book 'The Soul Of A Butterfly,' and I was impressed by the life the brother has had." You didn't recommend Ryan Giggs after you read his book, or Tupac Shakur's bodyguard for that matter.

"Has Ryan Giggs met the Dalai Lama?" I do not know. Probably.

Anyway Rodney, let's face it, nobody is going to argue with this choice of recommendation, so why don't we discuss our future. "OK bubbler."

Well I think we should get together to discuss recommendations most of the time, but if you urgently require to post one of your own, then I will give you license to do that as well. "Whatever, will you make me a cup of horlicks please?" That will not be a problem. I might adopt this well mannered young man. I could be Mr. Drummond to his Arnold Jackson.

Rodney Recommends... Andrew Cole

2005-12-04T16:40:00.000-08:00

"This man absolutely doofered on Charlton Athletic today. Admittedly, he had a bit of help from the new Peter Beardsley, in the shape of Darius Vassell, but the goal poacher formerly known as Andy Cole is still banging the goals in.

"Thankfully, Sven-Goran was present at the game. So unless he had something ridiculously important on his mind, like the blonde receptionist who greeted him on his entrance to The Valley perhaps, one can only presume Andrew can forget about planning his summer vacation 'til after the World Cup Final in 2006.

"I think I'll use this opportunity to go on record as predicting an England-Ghana final in Germany next summer. Probably 1-0 to England, with an Andrew Cole winner, if you're asking."

Rodney Recommends... Luis Garcia's The World Over

2005-12-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

"Well this was going to be a recommendation of the short sleeved shirt and gloves combo. However, when searching for pictoral evidence of the quality of this amalgamation on Luis Garcia, the babyfaced Liverpool legend, I found the other Luis Garcia's around the world to be more worthy of a recommendation.

"So here's to you Luis Garcia's. Keep doing what you do best, namely being called Luis Garcia."

Rodney Recommends... Rod Stewart's Choice Of Name For His Baby

2005-12-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

"Rod Stewart has gone and named his new-born son Rodney Wallace Stewart. Nice work that man."

Rodney Recommends... Kirsty Crawford

2005-12-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

"I know what you're thinking. And yes, she was the support act for Waiting Room. And a bloody good one. Way better than Darius Danesh would have been. Well done."

Rodney Recommends... Alan Fletcher

2005-12-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

"Who? I hear you ask. Well, let me tell you! None other than Dr. Karl Kennedy of Neighbours.

"Alan, or Al as I like to call him, is currently on tour with his band Waiting Room, and I went to see them in Leeds. They are brilliant. The combination of surreality (surreality is unlikely to be a real word) and anthems is definitely one I can recommend.

"Waiting Room played classics such as 'Don't Look Back In Anger' by Oasis and 'Somebody Told Me' by The Killers, as well as some original songs of their own. If you want to download just one Waiting Room song, might I recommend 'Mattress on The Floor'.

"Until you've seen Karl Kennedy singing 'Who The F*** Is Susan?' I don't think you can claim to have lived a complete life."

Rodney Recommends... Going Solo

2005-12-01T10:51:00.000-08:00

"I've gone solo. The bloke I used to work with was getting lazy, and frankly I thought he was a bit of a twit. (I could have used an 'a' instead of an 'i' there, but I'm not a smutty sidekick.)

"I am still his sidekick though, as I continue to lodge with him, but from now on it will just be me posting my recommendations.

"May I point out at this stage, that I do not, and will never recommend Robbie Williams, who also went solo. He is a twit with an 'a'."

Rodney Recommends... Diving

2005-11-17T20:09:00.000-08:00

Whatchu talkin' 'bout Rodney? "Again, your level of wit staggers me."

Just state your business. "I'm recommending diving in football." You cannot be serious!

"Yes I can, McEnroe. I've never seen why it is such a big taboo in football. It's all the rage in basketball." We don't need cheats Rodney.

"Well I like a bit of diving myself. I think it livens the game up."

Name me some of your favourite divers then. "Cristiano Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Harry Kewell, Francesco Totti and the Godfather, Jurgen Klinsmann." Thanks.

See you in the next one.

Rodney Recommends... Laurent Robert

2005-11-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

"I haven't got much time, but I just thought it was time the enigmatic Frenchman was recommended." Fair enough.

Rodney Recommends... Different Strokes

2005-11-09T07:18:00.000-08:00

Whatchu talkin' 'bout Rodney? "Very droll."

It was a good show was not it? "It certainly was bud."

Explain the concept of the show for anyone who hasn't seen it please. "Well, Mr. Drummond, a rich white man with a New York penthouse adopts two Harlem-based street kids, Arnold and Willis, and takes them into his home to live with himself and his daughter, Kimberly."

I bet this situation led to all manner of escapades. "It did. They usually centred around little Arnold, played by the hilarious Gary Coleman."

So, what of the actors now? "Dana Plato (Kimberly) died of a drug overdose in 1999, after playing a lesbian in an X-rated film titled Different Strokes. She was also bailed out of a Las Vegas jail after her arrest for robbing a video store with a pellet gun at one stage."

"Gary Coleman (Arnold) has twice attempted suicide with sleeping pills, a fact he revealed on Geraldo in 1993. In 1989, Coleman filed a suit against his former business manager and his adoptive parents for allegedly mismanaging his $18 million fortune. The Superior Court in Santa Monica eventually awarded Coleman nearly $1.3 million in 1993."

"Todd Bridges (Willis) appeared on Celebrity Boxing the other year, which must have been hilarious. Bridges was also acquitted of attempted murder, attempted voluntary manslaughter and assault with a deadly weapon. He had allegedly shot and stabbed drug dealer Kenneth Clay."

And what about Mr. Drummond? "Don't know. Answers on a postcard please, or at least in the comments section."

And finally Rodders, because I can see you're getting tired, what has happened to Todd Bridges' brother? "Well he is currently at Bristol City. He was doing brilliantly at Leeds United, before a series of long injuries led to his demise. He had a short spell with Newcastle United, before moving onto Sunderland, and now Bristol City."

Rodney Recommends... Giving A Bus Driver A £20 Note

2005-11-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

"Just try it." Yes, do. I doubt he'll smile like our model, Chong, here in the picture.

Rodney Recommends... The Most Unlikely of Relatives

2005-11-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

What's the craic Rodney? "Just found the most amusing thing ever out via the World Wide Web." Intriguing.

Tell us then. "Holly Valance is only related to Benny Hill!" To quote Rodney: Bollocks!

"OK, she isn't the granddaughter of Benny's cousin then." So he was lying. "Was I balls! It's true! Holly's grandfather was the cousin of Benny Hill."

Rodney Wallace, what a hilarious find from a hilarious little man.

Rodney Recommends... Holly Valance

2005-11-02T07:21:00.000-08:00

"She is one sexy bitch." A bit derogatory, but I agree. She is a sexy bitch.

Rodney Recommends... Gaizka Mendieta

2005-10-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

Gaizka Mendieta? All a bit passé isn't it Rodders? "Didn't you watch the Middlesbrough and Man Utd match at the weekend, buster?" I did watch it, with Rodders as usual.

"Well weren't you impressed by Gaizka's performance?" I was. He was brilliant, but this recommendation is all a bit reactionary to one performance is not it? "One performance? One performance? Where have you been all Gaizka's career?"

I bet he was labelling him a has-been this time last week. "Don't start with me where Gaizka is concerned. I've always said that bloke is a phenom." I'm sure he has. "Bollocks to you. Boll-ocks to you!"

Is Rodney turning into a Lord of The Flies character, with all this bollocks talk? "Look mate! Gaizka Mendieta is and always has been a star."

He's gone! And slammed the door as well!

I was only winding the little chap up as well. I think Gaizka is a true champion. I am off to look on eBay for a '6 MENDIETA' Valencia shirt. Goodbyes.

Rodney Recommends... The Verve

2005-10-27T19:45:00.000-07:00

"I was just thinking what a shame it was they split up, just as they were about to conquer the world." You woke me up to say that? Go to bed Rodney.

I had him down as a drum 'n' bass man.

Rodney Recommends... Brian Deane

2005-10-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

The recommendation the world has been waiting for, eh? "Deano is a legend. A living chuffing legend."

It's clear that Rodney is correct, but has he done anything of late to instigate this recommendation? "He's only gone and scored for Perth Glory against Melbourne Victory." That's good, but surely he's scoring for fun in Australia? "That was his first one mate."

Must have been his first game then surely? "Nah, took him seven games to get off the mark. He'll bang 'em in for fun now though."

"Do you know what else?" What Rod? "In the match against Melbourne he came on as a sub... before the match had even kicked off." I can't see that being true.

"You calling me a liar?" Rodney wouldn't lie. I don't know what to believe.

"He came on as a chuffing sub before the match kicked off I tells ya. I quote from the Perth Glory website:

'The match had not even started when a farcical situation developed at the ground. Referee Mark Shield told Glory striker, Damian Mori, he had to take the ring off his finger before being able to play, causing coach Steve McMahon and the player himself to vent their frustrations towards the officials.

Mori had to be substituted for Brian Deane without playing a second of the match because league rules state that players must remove all jewellery prior to playing.' "

Rodney was telling the truth.

Brian Deane - a living chuffing legend.

Rodney Recommends... Harry Kewell's Hairstyle

2005-10-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

A bit obsessed with hair this weekend, are not we Rodders? "What you trying to say?" Nothing, just a bit odd that a young heterosexual sidekick like yourself would talk about men's hairstyles so much.

"Don't be a penis." I won't. What's so good about Harold's hair then? "Well I might have told you, if you hadn't gone throwing wild accusations about!"

Come on Roddy Woddy, tell us your story. "OK. But only for the sake of the readers."

"Harry's new hairstyle is hilarious." It is, I've seen it.

"There's not a lot more I can say. You'll just have to put a picture up, and let the public decide for themselves whether he ranks above or below Pat Sharp and Chris Waddle in the haircut stakes."

Rodney Recommends... Max Hoyland's Sideburns

2005-10-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

"Tremendous they are! Peter Reid-esque!" They are good sideburns. Out of the old school.

"It's a shame you can't find a better picture of them, because they are world class." Yeah. You'll just have to recommend watching Neighbours, so your readers can see them for themselves.

"Watch Neighbours. 1:45PM or 5:35PM weekdays."

Rodney Recommends... Basil

2005-10-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

Basil who? "The herb, dimwit." Oh, teehee, my mistake.

You like basil then? "Yeah, I had a bit tonight. I don't recall ever having any before, but it was delicious."

Right. Well, that was all a bit bizarre.

Rodney Recommends... Jonathan Woodgate's Real Madrid career so far.

2005-10-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

He scored an own goal and got sent off on his debut, didn't he? "Yep." That was a couple of weeks back now though, and it's hardly something to recommend.

"He's only gone and scored another own goal tonight!" Is Rodney talking rubbish? Surely Real Madrid didn't have a game on international week.

"They had a friendly in Zaragoza, and he's gone and fired in his own net again!" Still, what is there to recommend here?

"I'm talking about his whole Madrid career to date. It has been hilarious. A first in football history surely."

"First he signs for £13 million and misses 15 months through injury!" Hardly his fault though is it? "Hear me out buttmunch."

"Then he finally makes his debut, scores an O.G. and gets sent off. And now he's gone and scored a second own goal in only his second start. I just find it hilarious."

Still don't understand this recommendation. "Oh, it's just the total hilarity of it all. Get a sense of humour, misery." It is quite funny when you think about it.

"I like his new haircut too. Can you put 2 photos on for this one please? A before and after shot of his hair? One when he played for Leeds, and one in his Real Madrid strip please?" I'll see what I can do, Rodney. It's nice that he said 'please.'

Rodney Recommends... Aaron Lennon and Michael Dawson

2005-10-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

You saw the Under-21 game the other night then? "Chuffing went, mate." Thanks for the invite.

Let's just hope he didn't get one of those annoying horns I could hear on my TV screen.

*Rodney blows horn*

My God, they're worse than I imagined.

"Aaron Lennon is a wonderkid." He's not often wrong, but he's right again.

"How long can it be before this lad is nominated for FIFA World Player of the Year honours?" Let's not get carried away Rodders.

"No, no, I don't think I am bud. When was the last time you saw someone who could take players on like him, and then put good crosses in as well?" Harry Kewell in his pomp. "Don't be stupid."

"Little Lennon will be World Player of The Year before he's 25 I tells ya."

OK, fair enough. So, what of Dawson? "He was pinging 70 yard passes about like there was no tomorrow. And he's a centre back!"

A ball-playing English centre half, whatever next? "Well it's funny you should say, 'whatever next?' because when I was there, England had a younger version of Rio Ferdinand called Anton. He was hilarious"

Rodney Recommends... The redundancy of the 4th Official

2005-10-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

In football? "Yeah, what a waste of time they truly are. What do they actually do?" They hold the board up to say how much injury time there is to be played for one thing. "God, don't get me started on that."

"That little electronic board has ruined football!" I wouldn't go so far. How exactly has it done this? "Well, do you remember the atmosphere at English football matches from about 88 minutes onwards in the days before we were told how much injury time there'd be?" Oh yes Rodney, you have a most valid point buddy.

"Well I long for the days I can go to a football match and whistle for 2,3,4,5 minutes or longer instructing the ref to blow his whistle." I agree.

I can't find a picture of a 4th official holding the board up, what shall I do? "Get one of Collina. He's brilliant."

Rodney Wallace, probably his best recommendation to date.

Rodney Recommends... They Said It

2005-10-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

Explain yourself. "They Said It is a small section of the Yorkshire Evening Post, usually to be found on page 4. It features a few funny quotes by celebrities from the recent past, and tonight's were particularly comical!"

Come on then Rodney, share! At this point, young Rodney toddles off to get his copy of tonight's paper.

(10 minutes later)

What took you so long, short stuff? "Yeah, sorry about that. I got watching an old episode of The Frank Skinner Show on Paramount. Myleene Klass was on it. She's klass. Spell that with a K when you write this up or I'll sack you." I was going to anyway. He'll have to tell us why she's class in another recommendation. "Kicking K, dummy!"

Anyway, I've had enough of this. Just type out the They Said It section. "OK."

"What is celebrity - especially in this country? It used to be people with talent now it's just freaks" - Ruby Wax.

"Do you think women should be allowed to play men at poker, bearing in mind their lack of reasoning skills and inability to keep their mouths shut? - Reported remark by racing buff John McCririck, to Isabella Mercier - who beat him.

"People walk around London glaring and staring. I'm not sure they mean to be, but it would just be so much nicer if everybody smiled. It's less complicated" - Jimmy Greaves.

"That's it." Make of that what you will.

"Put a picture of Ian St. John on for this blog. He used to get cracked up by Greavsie." Ach, you crack me up Rodney.

Rodney Recommends... Nina Conti

2005-10-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well Nina can't be a footballer can she? Or is he some flamboyant Italian winger who wears his hair in a ponytail? "You're thinking of Mauro Camoranesi." I'm not, he's Argentinian.

"Well anyway, Nina Conti is a beautiful comedian." Rodney seems smitten. Wait a minute, a female comedian? This can't be right. "Oh I agree, women generally are as funny as the man who decided on adding brussel sprouts to the Christmas day menu."

So what's different about Nina? "She and her monkey are just hilarious." Her monkey? "Yeah she takes a puppet monkey on stage with her and uses ventroliquism as her act."

OK, I haven't got time to be messing around tonight. Sum her up in one word, your Rodness. "Exuberant." Thanks.

Rodney Recommends... Giovani Dos Santos

2005-10-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

"Left foot to die for mate." Oh, so he's another footballer then? "Aye bud. A Mexican. Have not you been watching the Under 17 World Championships in Peru?" Clearly not, I've been with you Rod, here in England!

"Don't be a clot all your life. It's been on Eurosport!" No need to get offensive.

So, is this boy good? "Good? Good? He's flippin' brilliant. In fact, he is Brazil-liant! Do you see what I've done there?" Yes, I see what you've done my lad, but it doesn't really work does it? He's from Mexico.

"Ah! You see that's where you're wrong. His dad actually played for Brazil, so the pun works." Oh, so who is his father then? "Forgotten bud. You'll have to do your own research." I probably won't bother.

"Anyway, this kid Dos Santos has got the lot! What's he got?" He's got the lot? "Correct."

"Pace, power, awareness, an eye for goal." Leeds should look into snapping him up early. He can't be very old. "Too late buster! Barcelona snapped him up when he was 13. He's now 16." Oh well, you can't miss what you never had.

Any more superstars of the future on show at this tournament? "The Mexican keeper looked good, but apparently the best player of all got injured early on, so I never got to see him." Who's that then? "Don't know his name, but apparently he has brought 'The Seal' trick into play. He balances the ball on his nose and runs with the ball at pace through the defence!" I'll believe that when I see it.

"Believe what you want cocker'. You heard it from me first anyway. Dos Santos and 'The Seal,' the stars of the future."

Rodney Recommends... José Antonio Reyes

2005-10-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

Now this is an interesting first recommendation by Rodders, as he has been known to use the words 'cheat,' 'wuss,' and 'moaning Spanish git' when seeing the Arsenal youngster on his television screen.

"I've grown to like him of late," Rodney explains.

"Did you know he had hit six shots on target in today's game at home to Birmingham City, before half time?" I did. I was watching it with him.

"Well yes, I love the way he plays the game. His pace and skills running with the ball demonstrate all that is good about the beautiful game."

So has Rodney completely forgotten about his previous negative opinion of the former Sevilla star? "No, I do still think he could stay on his feet a bit more, but did you see him kick Phil Neville the other week?" I did. I was watching that game with him too.

"Yeah well, I liked that. I chuckled, because I don't like Phil Neville. I would never recommend him."

Why not? "Do I need to explain?" He doesn't.

At this point Rodney strolls off to determine whether Xabi Alonso deserves a recommendation for his passing skills.

Rodney Recommends... An Explanation

2005-10-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Here you will find the day-to-day recommendations of Rodney, the opinionated, miniature man. Hopefully you will grow to like the things, people and ideas he recommends.